I have been harbouring a number of thoughts in my mind targeted at the actions of the trio of Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Mark Zuckerberg. Being that am a very direct person, I would channel my views directly to whom it may concern.
Let me commence with Obama. I was stupefied, to say the least, when I saw the response you dished out to the reporter that interrupted your speech last Friday. I must say that your attitude could be mistaken for cowardice. How can a mere Website reporter shout you down repeatedly while you were discussing an issue as important as immigration? Such an incident is unthinkable in my country. Imagine my President giving a speech. I know he doesn’t do that often, but didn’t you see the word ‘imagine’?
As a Nigerian, let me give you scenarios that made me fault you. First, that reporter shouldn’t have made it to the gathering because he works with a news agency based online only. Those folks always cause trouble sitting behind a computer. For you to be really recognised, you have to work with an organisation that belongs to an agency like Newspapers Proprietors of Nigeria et. al.
Secondly, the reporter addressed you as just ‘Mr President’ and you didn’t consider that wrong in protocol. In my part of the world, you don’t refer to a President like that. ‘His Excellency, Dr Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (GCFR)’ is just simple way we address the President of a country, twice the size of Texas, at most. What happened to your Law J.D from Harvard University? What about the ‘Senator’ tag you earned from your years at Capitol hill? Wouldn’t His Excellency, Senator (Barrister) Barack Obama sound
fabulous? And that precludes the Doctorate degrees you should have bagged from those Universities seeking to curry your favour.
Thirdly , you addressed the reporter as ‘Sir’ while you courteously responded to his snide disruption. Before you begin to lecture me that ‘Sir’ is simply the polite form of address to a man, I would remind you that the English Language isn’t exactly correct. For instance, a girl that is your friend ought to be called your girlfriend, but that is not the case. You have seen my point? You are the most powerful man on Earth thus shouldn’t be throwing that appellation anyhow to people. The reverse should be the case.
My next port of call would be the great Queen of England, Elizabeth.
In preparation to your Diamond Jubilee, you announced two guidelines: the use of public funds should be minimised and people shouldn’t be forced to celebrate.
Well, I must understand your concerns given the numerous public criticism you have received in recent times. Besides, you have celebrated a good number of anniversaries. Anyway, I must commend the Diamond Jubilee Committee for putting up a spectacle with the £4Million or so budget. But I am particularly not happy with your loyalists.
I perused various UK papers viz. The Observer, Guardian, The Sun, Mirror, Daily Mail, Telegaraph et. al with the hope of seeing copious advertisements heralding your landmark anniversary.
My Queen, you need to see my face. It was aghast. I couldn’t fathom why the Knights, Earls, Dukes, Viscounts didn’t show their public display of loyalty. Should I talk about members of Parliament and Government contractors that have enjoyed your goodwill? Over here, that is how we measure loyalty.
The size of the page (full, half, quarter), colour (multi, single or black & white), postion in the paper (front,centre spread, back) goes a long way to show how loyal one is because of the cost involved. Politicians look forward to momentous events to gauge the loyalty of their acolytes.
That was why I expected things like ” FELICITATIONS!!! We, the members of ………, wish to felicitate with the great Queen of England on this auspicious occasion of her Diamond Jubilee. We pray God to grant thee strength to lead for another 60 years. Long Live the Queen! Long Live the United Kingdom!”
Your Majesty, you must know better than me on the concept on loyalty; after all, you have been on that throne for 60 years and no Charles, Will and Harry can do anything about it.
My last bust stop would be the 28 year-old Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, who got married last month.
How can you be worth $17.5Billion and get married with just 100 guests present? Mark, with over 15 million friends on facebook, why didn’t you invite people to come and rejoice with you and chop your money small nah?
I heard you got married in your backyard. That means you didn’t pay a dime to rent a venue. I refuse to believe there aren’t good places in California to accomodate you.
In Lagos, Nigeria, we have the expansive and expensive Expo Hall of Eko Hotel and Suites. You can’t tell me California doesn’t have a place more comfy than that. You just didn’t want your peeps to come around. I don’t even want to talk about your bride’s dress. Mai Atafo would have willingly made a better outfit sans it being expensive. The rings weren’t bad, but Chris Aire would have supplied much better.
The presence of Rock musician Billie Joe Armstrong was the only highlight, in my opinion. I even learnt the food came from two budget-friendly restaurant. In order words, it came cheap. No Aso ebi sef!!!
You might be ranked higher than Dangote and Adenuga in the Billionaires club, but be it known to you that the daughter of the latter had a classy wedding that’s miles ahead of yours. I wish you a happy married albeit I will add this: next time, do things like a BIG BOY.
NOTE: Credits for this article belong to Dickson Kalu and http://ekekeee.com
Twitter: @ Femiolas