Big Thief, Small Thief: Hilarious Satire – by Prof. Pius Adesanmi

19 Nov

“Dakingari, Dakingari, Dakingari, how many times I call you?”

“Three times, Prof”

“Stop disturbing me about the lack of media attention to your case”

“But, Prof, you have to admit that I am being discriminated against by the media because I am a Hausa-Fulani man.”

“How so?”

“Haba, Prof, are you kidding me? I successfully stole N1.3 billion from the coffers of Kebbi state and it has hardly made a blip on the national media radar. You think the media would ignore me if I was an Igbo woman?”

“I’m not sure that your Hausa-Fulani ethnicity and gender have anything to do with the media blackout on your illustrious looting career. After all, your brother, Farouk Lawan and his cap got fantastic media coverage.”

“Why else would the media ignore me totally, Prof?”

“It could be because you are stealing from a backward almajiri state that can only make national headlines through Boko Haram. Only national thieves make the headlines in mainstream media nowadays. There are so many of you in Nigeria that there ain’t nearly enough space to squeeze in every thief in the land. You have to find a way to go and steal in Abuja and maybe also accompany the Vice President on his next pilgrimage to Mecca. If your ambition does not rise beyond stealing from Kebbi, you cannot expect national media coverage o. You cannot be playing for Kano pillars and expect media coverage like you are playing for Barcelona.”

“Ah, I like your analogous, Prof”

“You mean analogy?”

“Ah, yes, analogy! But what about you Prof, you didn’t even write anything about me. Is your blackout also because I’m looting the treasury of a backward state that never makes national news? Do you write only about Federal thieves?”

“No, Dakingari, I write about all the thieves in Nigeria irrespective of tribe, gender, and creed. You are just unlucky that your case came up after I made my Unoka Resolution”

“Unoka Resolution? Prof, who is Unoka?”

“You know your brother, Sule Lamido in Jigawa?”

“Ah, na san shi mana. I know him very well”

“You know that he and his sons stole N10 billion from the treasury of Jigawa state. Yet, they have not come to wake me up in the morning and cry that I have not written about their remarkable heist. Our elders say that the sun will shine on those standing before it shines on those kneeling beneath them. I pay attention now to only those who steal five billion and above. I no longer have time for petty thieves like you. You stole N1.3 billion and I will not hear word. Go back to Kebbi and add N4 billion to it and you will earn a column from me”

“Ok, I will try Prof. But you have not told me about that Unoka o. Where is he? Is he the person that will write about me if I steal N5 billion successfully from Kebbi state treasury?”

NOTE: The titling was by me. The story was culled from the Facebook page of Prof. Pius Adesanmi

Blog owner is on Twitter: @Femiolas

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Posted by on November 19, 2013 in Comic, Politics


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